How to get Kit Harington’s hair

CWG Kemp

Men around the world frequently ask, “How do I get Kit Harington’s hair?” Fortunately, all is explained in this convenient, four-step how-to guide:

  1. Acquire Kit Harington’s hair genetics;
  2. Grow out your new hair. This could take up to one year or more to achieve the desired Kit Harington length;
  3. Apply the exact hair product(s) that Kit Harington actually uses; and
  4. Style your hair just like Kit Harington’s. Kit Harington has been known to style his hair in five different ways, depending on the occasion, so simply choose one style and go with it.

Now, a caveat. Consider again Step 3:  Apply the exact hair product(s) that Kit Harington actually uses. This is easily the most problematic step, for the exact nature of Kit Harington’s hair product mix is veiled in a shocking amount of secrecy and is subject to endless — and often contradictory — rumor and speculation in the media. We suggest that you type “How to get Kit Harington’s hair” into Google, and read one of the sundry articles on the topic. Most of these dubious “articles” are certain to discuss various brands of hair cremes, hair pastes, hair gels, hair putties, hair sprays, hair relaxers, hair revitalizers, hair fibers, and hair pomades, that Kit Harington is theorized to currently use and/or have used in the past. If the article speaks authoritatively on the matter, you should exercise a healthy degree of skepticism — for Kit Harington’s hair product mix is a secret so carefully guarded that it rivals only two other existing secrets: the series finale of HBO’s Game of Thrones, and one existing secret: the KFC spice mix. Many have tried and failed to learn the secret of Kit Harington’s hair products. Many women, for instance, have attempted to seduce him and dupe him into revealing the secret of his legendary coif, under the false pretense that he is either:

A) Handsome;
B) Rich;
C) Famous; or
D) A really nice guy

Needless to say, option D is the phoniest pretense of them all, and even Kit Harington is likely to suspect that something is awry if a potential romantic interest expresses his or her affection for him based on his nice-guyness. As far as celebrities go, Kit Harington is undoubtedly not the most handsome, nor the most rich, nor the most famous, nor the nicest; nevertheless, hapless hair-diggers often erroneously think that he is susceptible to flattery in these regards.

To recap: many men and/or women have tried to date Kit Harington, under patently false pretenses, in order to possess the secret of his hair product mix. And all, hitherto, have failed.

Kit Harington keeps the secret of his hair products so closely guarded that not even his most trusted family members know the truth. Even his very own mother is compelled to sign a non-disclosure agreement (NDA) each and every time she visits his mansion, in the unlikely event that she stumbles upon his hair products and/or any revealing tangential information, such as receipts for hair products or orders thereof (likely made through a series of anonymous shell companies). Even nation-states desire to possess the secret behind Kit Harington’s hair. For example, one Russian secret agent allegedly seduced Kit Harington and applied truth serum (actually a kind of barbiturate) in order to pry the secret from his mind, but to no avail — for Kit Harington has trained with the Navy Seals on how to resist interrogation, hypnosis, and truth serum, during a months-long conduct after capture course with the elite special operations unit. He is so good at safeguarding classified information, it turns out, that the U.S. government decided to entrust him with the nation’s nuclear launch codes. And even then, it is questionable whether, during a geopolitical escalation, Kit Harington will turn over the coveted launch codes to the Commander and Chief — that’s just how good he is at keeping secrets.

Now, none of this prevents men’s magazines from wildly and inappropriately speculating about which products Kit Harington actually applies to his hair. It is hypothesized in one such magazine article that he uses pelican oil — a kind of pink slime that is extracted by crushing live pelicans in bespoke pelican oil extractors. This is probably nonsense, but the article nevertheless led to a temporary global demand spike and subsequent shortage and run on pelican oil. Another magazine speculated that Kit Harington uses margarine in his hair, but only the kind of margarine that is precariously high in trans-fats; this article resulted in a temporary spike in Uruguay’s gross domestic product until the FDA banned imports of their famed trans-fatty butter substitute.

Meanwhile, what is Taylor Lautner doing? He is desperately trying to get in touch with Kit Harington to inform him of what awaits him after the series finale of GoT — namely gloom and obscurity. Mr. Lautner contends that Kit Harington is the rightful heir to the coveted throne of “Flavour of the decade of the 2010s”, and once GoT has ended, he will likely end up in sundry made-in-Eastern-Europe Netflix productions, relegated to middling supporting roles that cater to his great hair. Mr. Lautner does not wish Kit Harington to suffer from the same post-fame melancholy that befell him — that, or he’s using this blatantly false pretense to win Kit Harington’s trust, find the secret to his famed locks, appropriate his hair products, apply them to his own hair, and pull a John Travoltaesque career reincarnation. But Kit Harington knows that his would-be enemies lurk at every corner, and will protect, with his very life if necessary, the secret of his famous coif, even if a buff Taylor Lautner corners him in his mansion and threatens the use of force and/or any other available means of coercion to extract the secret of those lustrous flowing locks. In such a situation, Kit Harington is likely to dupe Taylor Lautner by sending him to his decoy stash of ersatz hair products, while the former escapes to his safe room — picture a heavily-fortified vault with rows and rows and rows and rows of A______ brand hair products, as far as the eye can see, like Cerci’s massive stockpile of wildfire in Season 2, Episode 5 of GoT.

Copyright CWG Kemp, 2019