OTTAWA — Local man Gary Ribeye, 33, was arrested last night for attacking an obsolete 3G cellular tower. According to arresting officer Constable Wayne Gibbons, the suspect claimed that he was “acting to stop the spread of herpes,” which he insisted he contracted from the 3G tower. “A lot of people are attacking 5G towers because they think they’re spreading coronavirus. But this one’s a first,” said Constable Gibbons. Asked to speculate whether the man’s theory could be true, Constable Gibbons stated, “Maybe, but it probably spreads herpes really slowly.”