OTTAWA — Local vampire Count Vorgoth spends a lot of time in his coffin these days. “Believe me, it’s pretty hard to drain someone’s neck from a socially-appropriate proximity of two metres [six feet],” said Mr. Vorgoth via Skype. “And not only that, nobody wants to get anywhere near a bat these days.” Asked whether there is an upside to the current social distancing rules, Mr. Vorgoth said, “Yes, I’ve been over 70 years old since 1281 AD. There’s no bloody way I afford to catch coronavirus.”
OTTAWA — Prior to advent of social distancing, local man Brett Berg took many things for granted. “Going to the mall, eating at restaurants, playing football in the park with my friends,” said Mr. Berg via Skype. “But standing shoulder-to-shoulder with complete strangers while peeing into a huge metal trough — that’s definitely what I miss the most.” Asked if there’s anything about living in self-isolation that he will try not to take for granted, Mr. Berg said, “Absolutely. Like now, when I go to the washroom and my leg gets wet? I’m 100-percent certain who did it.”
OTTAWA–Local movie buff Wade Phelps noticed something strange when he watched the classic movie Splash on Disney+ this week. “I always fast-forward to the part with Daryl Hannah’s naked butt,” he said via Skype. “But this time I was shocked to see that her butt had been covered up–with a digital wig!” Asked what he thought about the wig, Mr. Phelps said, “It looks real, no doubt. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear that was the actual Lambert de Vermont.”
OTTAWA — To help mitigate the spread of coronavirus, local hospitals have banned all unessential visitors — including expecting fathers. Now, the Ottawa Hospital is experimenting with curbside pickup of newborn babies. “It’s really convenient,” said Edward Ashburn, who just became a first-time father. “I didn’t even have to get out of the car; the guy just put junior in the trunk, and I was good to go. Plus, you don’t have to tip.”
OTTAWA — Like many small business owners, Ottawa resident Brad Staff, owner and operator of the notorious ‘Free Candy’ van, is feeling the financial crunch of the pandemic. “No kids wanna take free candy no more, so now I lure ’em with Purell,” said Mr. Staff via Zoom video.
OTTAWA — Local conjoined twins Ray and Jay Taylor were each fined $800 for walking down the sidewalk within two metres (six feet) of each other, in violation of the city’s social distancing ordinance. “In my opinion, since we only have one liver, we should only have to pay one fine,” said Ray, whose idea it was to go for the walk. “Being cooped up together in the same apartment all day and now this? It’s really testing our relationship,” Jay added.
OTTAWA — In an apparent bid to take back the spotlight stolen by rival pathogen COVID-19, the bubonic plague — also known as the bacterium Yersinia pestis — released a sex tape of itself yesterday on social media. In the video, the bacterium is seen participating in a bacchanalian orgy of asexual reproduction. Although some critics call the video disgusting and opportunistic, local high school biology teacher Wendell Shack contends that the video has educational value. “While I don’t agree with all the moaning, you can still learn a lot about cellular mitosis by watching it,” he said. Mr. Shack suggests skipping the first 22 minutes and 36 seconds of the video “if you want to get right to the good part.”
OTTAWA — Upon hearing that Elon Musk is fabricating ventilators out of Tesla car parts, local bodybuilding champion Chad Thickman decided to build his own — out of a gasoline-powered 2019 Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat. “My ventilator is rated at 797 horsepower,” said Mr. Thickman via Skype video. When asked why anyone would need a ventilator with 797 horsepower, Mr. Thickman simply smiled and bounced his pectoral muscles up and down.
OTTAWA — Local man Gary Ribeye, 33, was arrested last night for attacking an obsolete 3G cellular tower. According to arresting officer Constable Wayne Gibbons, the suspect claimed that he was “acting to stop the spread of herpes,” which he insisted he contracted from the 3G tower. “A lot of people are attacking 5G towers because they think they’re spreading coronavirus. But this one’s a first,” said Constable Gibbons. Asked to speculate whether the man’s theory could be true, Constable Gibbons stated, “Maybe, but it probably spreads herpes really slowly.”
OTTAWA — According to local environmental science professor Stuart Wrench, a new hole spotted this week in the ozone layer is just a selfish cry for attention. When asked to elaborate, Professor Wench said, “The ozone layer is like a little brat who needs constant attention. Take my boy Tom; when his little sister was born, he started throwing tantrums all the time. With all this coronavirus stuff — yeah, the ozone layer is out the news, so it’s just throwing a tantrum.” Asked what should be done about the new ozone layer hole, Professor Wrench said, “Just ignore the stupid little shit.”
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