OTTAWA — Local vampire Count Vorgoth spends a lot of time in his coffin these days. “Believe me, it’s pretty hard to drain someone’s neck from a socially-appropriate proximity of two metres [six feet],” said Mr. Vorgoth via Skype. “And not only that, nobody wants to get anywhere near a bat these days.” Asked whether there is an upside to the current social distancing rules, Mr. Vorgoth said, “Yes, I’ve been over 70 years old since 1281 AD. There’s no bloody way I afford to catch coronavirus.”
OTTAWA — Prior to advent of social distancing, local man Brett Berg took many things for granted. “Going to the mall, eating at restaurants, playing football in the park with my friends,” said Mr. Berg via Skype. “But standing shoulder-to-shoulder with complete strangers while peeing into a huge metal trough — that’s definitely what I miss the most.” Asked if there’s anything about living in self-isolation that he will try not to take for granted, Mr. Berg said, “Absolutely. Like now, when I go to the washroom and my leg gets wet? I’m 100-percent certain who did it.”
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